THE ULTIMATE TRUTH

Heaven and Hell; Life and Near-death; Tolerable and Intolerable; Intelligence and Dumbness; Bearable and Unbearable;

The question for the day is ‘What is common among all these pairs of terms, other than opposites?’

My answer would be ‘Morons who got their better halves into the same company, or even worse, same project as theirs - did they actually think it would turn out to be the positive opposite? Really? What were they thinking?’

For the sake of simplicity, I use the male pronoun herein. The following is equally applicable to the female pronoun too [If only defeating sexism were as simple as throwing in an occasional he/she, her or hers. Kindly don't look for sexism where none exists].

As has been the sad case over thousands of years now, people have been getting married. What is even more pathetic nowadays is that they are getting married to a person who is in the same profession! Even worse, same company and the most blinding wonder of wonders, same project. Seriously dude, what were you thinking? Has your IQ turned negative? Or, are you on a mission to reach unsurpassed stupidity? What exactly is your problem that you committed such a colossal blunder?

From an Indian perspective (and is equally applicable to almost all nations), the boom in IT industry has created major behemoths who employ close to a million people. This in turn has affected the marriage market in unimaginable proportions. Apart from creating various love-bird colonies in almost every campus, this IT boom has affected the arranged marriage market in a profound manner. A sample conversation between three parents -

Parent1: My daughter did her B.Com. She is now working in a call center

Parent2: Oh! B.Com aa…My son did his Engineering. Now he is in software. We are looking for a software girl who can understand his work too.

(software girl…wtf?!)

Parent3: True, just like platform-language compatibility, the kids should also be compatible in their own sectors…like software…hahahahh!

Parent1: Yes, yes…I am sending my daughter to computer coaching. She will also join a software company very soon…nowadays who wants to work in retail shop or manufacturing plant I say!

That being the case of parents, most of the marriages are happening between IT professionals. As far as I am concerned, since the majority market (and I use the term ‘market’ in the truest sense, no insult here!) is in IT now, I don’t see an issue why the couples shouldn’t be in the same profession. But imagine the conversations at home:

Guy: So, can we go to Gopal’s function now?

Girl: Ahh, I think I can’t make it…I have a problem with this Oracle database…can you help me out here?

Guy: Oh sure sweetheart! So, what exactly is the problem…is there a problem with the Extract process, the Transform process or the Load process!

Isn’t that sad to say the least?

What is even more depressing is if they are working for the same company. ‘Ahh, they go in the same car, they go-together, come to-gether - they save on petrol as well as they spend more time to-gether, how nice!’ and ‘Awww, chooo chweet, no?’ are statements we tend to hear. Firstly, No, it is not sweet…what’s more, the guy is probably going through the worst torture in his life. Don’t get me wrong here - I think a couple working in the same company is absolutely fantastic…as a concept. Practically, it would drive most guys insane.

When Einstein spoke about the infiniteness of human stupidity, I am sure he was referring to guys who have their spouses in the same project as theirs. Imagine a jail - same thing; in fact, even worse. Imagine a noose around you 24×7, office and home - like heaven and hell being one and the same. Absolutely no privacy, and every move being monitored, analyzed and feedback duly passed. The better thing to do here would be to choke themselves rather than get into this afflictment. As Shakespeare says in the Twelfth Night, ‘Observe these guys, for the love of mockery’. Actually, ‘whole-hearted sympathy; is the phrase to used for such people - I like their approach, but definitely would love to see their departure from my sight.

P.S: This blog’s topic was a random idea my supervisor had come up with. All credit to her

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’
- Lord Barnett

That my dear friends, is the essence of the devil called inflation. In more complex terms, and hence economically speaking, Inflation is a rise in general level of prices of goods and services over time. There are many measures of inflation - the Consumer Price Index (CPI), the Wholesale Price Index (WPI) and then there is the GDP deflator and then there is Excess of money supply - in short, economic and finance newspapers make every effort to confuse the common man using such jargon, thereby making money, instead of explaining it through a simple Lord Barnett’s joke which everyone would have understood. [Feminists who can't see the joke in it can go take a hike, and probably buy The Economic Times or The Wallstreet journal]

I like Zimbabwe. No, not the cricket team - they suck big time. I love their penchant for huge numbers. Nowadays, they only talk in millions, billions and trillions. Rich country perhaps. For example, their inflation is just 2 million percent according to the latest figures. Look at that number, isn’t that music for any Finance minister of the country? Or for instance, look at this bill for one dinner - isn’t this fantastic? How rich must the people be to write a 1.2 billion Z$ cheque? And how much would you tip the waiter on this bill? Wow, the calculation in itself is mind-boggling. Wonder how the Zimbabweans do this day in and day out? They certainly love huge numbers - the bill and the inflation are living proof of it. We should all seriously consider moving to Zimbabwe if we ever want to grow rich…or atleast feel rich.

And what is the inflation in India as per latest figures? A paltry 11.42%. How much does this 11 and some change percentage measure up against 2 million percent? Our inflation pales in comparison. No wonder that still 40% of our population is below poverty line. Tchah! And can we even dream of writing a million rupee cheque for one dinner, forget a 1.2 billion rupee cheque? Nope, not in my lifetime atleast. Such sad state of affairs. On top of that, the media goes gung-ho about inflation over-shooting, food prices rising beyond our means and all that crap - ah, the media is so dumb! Why doesn’t someone direct them towards the map of Zimbabwe I say! [And not to speak of the country I currently live in - USA - inflation is a trivial 4% and the whole country is almost in tears and tatters! Uh!]

The government proves my assumption time and again - they are just a bunch of jokers. I sincerely wish for some meritocracy instead of this bizarre bureaucracy.

Let me not even start speaking of the effects of inflation on Zimbabwe. If everything was set right today, the country would take atleast 10-15 years to recover - and I don’t see that happening in the near future atleast. 2 million percent of inflation is something like - the robber asking the passenger in the train: “Hurry, give me the money, before it loses more value” or the realistic situation of giving two gunny bags of money to buy one loaf of bread.

But what is wrong with the Indian and US media? Isn’t the increase or decrease of inflation a normal part of every country’s economic cycle? Shouldn’t the media analyse what are the causes of inflation? Is the artificial price of Oil (currently at $142 a barrel - inspite of major supplies being held up in Persian Gulf due to political reasons) a cause for worry? Isn’t the sudden increase of food prices a direct effect on some of the insane economic policies undertaken (like the one to produce Ethanol through corn, a staple food) or due to large-scale hoarding by merchants in India? And seriously, any inflation above 6-8% is not worth reporting. Unless a country is in deep economic problems, the rate of inflation is always going to come down very soon from these double-digit percentages - sensationalizing issues when there are none has become a habit, leading to dire consequences.

I suggest the media take a chill pill, rest for a month or so and then comment on inflation. Experts say this inflation is a bubble and there is only a requirement for a prick for the bubble to burst. I sincerely hope this prick, whoever he/she is arrives soon enough and douses this mindless fear and fire for good.

1) Back after the longest gap in my blogging history of 3 years. There was really no reason nor excuse why I didn’t or couldn’t blog. I was working my back off for the past 3 weeks, including weekends; my online life of Orkut, Twitter, Gtalk and others have been dormant to say the least - but heck, I had time to talk to my friends, read a book etc., but didn’t have time to blog. It was not really the issue of I didn’t want to blog - rather, it was this notion of coming up with a blog every Sunday evening, every week - and I just couldn’t resist looking away from my laptop on every Sunday evening for the past 3 weeks. Heart of hearts, probably didn’t want to blog - but most probably too lazy to blog.

2) Interesting things happened over the past 3 weeks. The first of the lot is that I got hooked to ‘Leave it to Psmith’ by PG Wodehouse. I have read PGW before, but this book was something else. The sheer hilarity, brilliant use of metaphors and the twisted situations in the book was immensely enjoyable. Definitely recommend it to anyone who has an inclination for PGW’s style of humor. Awesome.

3) Bloopers on chat conversations are hilarious. What makes it even more enjoyable is that you can only imagine the other person’s reactions - and imagination, for what it is, is wild. I have committed as well as faced many bloopers, but since this blog is restricted to the past 3 weeks, I had this wonderful encounter with a lady friend of mine (I digress, but I am having immense difficulty coining a word for a girl who is in her late 20s but unmarried - teen is stupid, girl sounds young, lady sounds old, woman sounds insulting and female sounds degrading…any thoughts?) on the office communicator. She is based out of India, in the same assignment as mine and the following conversation ensued -

Her: Hey! Wassup?

Me: Hey! How u doing? Nothing much, same as usual.

Her: Ahh…it’s so boring here ya!

Me: Come here (as in..to the US)…and I’ll have atleast someone interesting to go out with.

Her: I’d love you

Me: really?? wah!

Her (hurriedly): I’d love to, I’d love to…sorry sorry!

Me: naah, you don’t have to correct yourself, I didn’t get offended

Her: ya ya ya these bloopers I tell ya…dangerous!!

Me: ahh…damnnn! For a moment, I was the happiest guy in the world!

Her: Heheh!

Me:

4) The past weekend, my organization set up a leadership training programme for the entire 2 days, 8:30 - 6:00. I am one of the millions in the world, who tend to believe that waking up before 8 on weekends is a crime, if not an offence. However, I dragged my feet along to this training, and expected myself to laze around in the programme, wake up on Monday morning and turn out to be the biggest and most influential leader my organization has ever seen. Fortunately, that was not to be and I ended up listening to most of the programme, which was conducted by one Mr. A. However, A had an interesting word he would throw more often than not. Some samples -

- I am going to give you a fantastic case study, which offers some fantastic insights and which will lead you to fantastic solutions.

- I am about to tell you a fantastic example about this fantastic guy who did this fantastic thing.

Not to mention his most commonly used word, the entire programme was fantastic..err…great, thanks to Mr. A!

5) I have observed for the past three years that my blog undergoes some sort of rejuvenation once in a while, especially when I take such a long break. Hopefully, this break will steer the blog in a slightly different direction, making the reading experience more enjoyable than before. (too much funda, no? )

Now that the seemingly-never-ending IPL tournament has ended, albeit with lot of brouhaha during the closing ceremony and a fantastic final match (by some quirky turn of fate, every IPL tournament’s final is a very close contest – IPL World Cup final, ICL final and now this!) – it is time we take stock of how different sets of people would react to the end of what has been the most exciting tournament in a long long time.

Men in India: For one and half months, they were not short of entertainment between 8PM-11PM. On some days, there were two matches on the same day. It was ‘more the merrier’ for this particular set of people. They used to come back from work/colege, take some rest and watch the entire match till they dozed off to sleep. Getting used to T20 cricket is like getting used to marijuana – the more you have, the more you want. From today, these men would have no entertainment, nothing to look forward to at night. Their evenings would once again turn into a dull-drab affair. They would begin to ask questions about how unfair the tournament was, in that it ended only after one and half months. As with all other issues in life, they would lament themselves in the men-only group at work/college.

Women in India: This set is the most excited of all that this tournament has finally ended. They were the biggest opposition of IPL since it was slotted in prime-time and hence not allowing women to watch their serials – serials which usually continue for approximately 4 years with infinite number of saas and bahus, 257 relatives and 100 children, all in a gigantic house where almost every other day there is a festival/death. Women had to bear the brunt of cricket being discussed all day all night at home – driving them close to insanity. How could they miss their daily dose of tears from Tulsi and evil shenanigans from various other stupid bahuraanis? Alas, they found out at the end of IPL that producers of these serials did not take the story forward by much during the past one and half month (as they did for the past one and half years) – they rub their hands in glee at the prospect of watching all serials all night till another cricket tournament takes over.

Desis in the US: IPL was a topic of much elation, with heated arguments and discussions – taking place during the most productive hours at work – from 1030 to 1330. Battlelines were drawn between states and the respective teams. Completion of deadlines was secondary to discussing the latest goofup in team selections or the brilliance of a new strategy. Each one pitched in with their own theories and best practices in T20 cricket, unmindful of the frenzied atmosphere of NCAA/NBA championships around in the US. Weekends were a breeze – with two matches on every day of the weekend (and with benevolent softwares like Sopcast and TVUplayer), it was one big party for one and half month.

Politicians: (Yes, they are usually neither Men nor Women!) Last heard they were bickering about reservations in the IPL teams. Karunanidhi was especially upset that Chennai Super Kings lost to an unknown desert team Rajasthan Royals, and decided to take up the matter with the unMan-mohan singh, calling in for reservations and progress of the Tamizh state. Vasundhara Raje for her part has declared that Royals win has been a befitting reply to the wily terrorists who dare to blow bombs in Jaipur to cause impact to maximum number of people. Rahul Gandhi has called for a greater cohesion in the Congress party much like Rajasthan Royals and Chennai Super kings but not like Deccan Chargers and Bangalore Royal Challengers. Prathibha tai (in case you forgot, she is our Honorable President) has decided to talk with ghosts and spirits to help Delhi Daredevils win next time.

As the IPL drew to a close, much like the primaries in the US – President Bush sat smiling in the White House watching IPL and the primaries on two different television sets asking himself, ‘Now, how and where should I seek fun? Maybe I will bomb another country before November’ and proceeded to call his Generals to the White house!

Of the many stupid moments and conversations I have been involved in over the past 25 years, some stupid moments stand out - for the sheer ingenuity and willingness to be ‘bakraofied’, some decisions I have taken to be involved in these stupid moments can be classified as stupefyingly stupid, if not downright insane. (Four ‘stupids’ in one paragraph - my English ma’am would never forgive me )

Now that some of my guy friends have got married, I get a chance to meet them only with their wives (don’t ask me whether that’s fortunate or unfortunate), say for lunch/dinner at some restaurants. I tend to avoid meeting them if some other friend is not joining me; that is, I try as hard as I can to make the number of people at the table to be 4, rather than 3. Being human, I am incapacitated sometimes, and inspite of my best efforts, such hard work proves futile. I have to end up being the sole 3^rd member - which unfortunately at a lunch party sometime back I ended up being one, with a friend of mine (R) whom I have known for 7 years. They were married for a month now, and deciding to meet them as the 3^rd member was well…..Anyways, proceeding to the conversation:

The couple is referred to as ‘They’ (although… it was ‘she’ most of the time - typical family I guess - I have a saying, Two bodies, one voice - hers -> and this couple was a personification of that!)

Me: Heyyy, how are you guys doing?!

They: Very well, how are you?

Me: Am doing very good

Me: So, how was the honeymoon n all? And what is this small party ya?!

They: Honeymoon was fantastic…and dude, you didn’t come to the reception - it isn’t our problem exactly you know.

(and that’s probably the last time I heard the guy, my friend…really speak, except for a few nods and some ya’s here and there!)

Me: Haha…true! Caught up with some office work and blah and blah dude - typical stuff you know. Anyways, how was the wedding?

They (yeah…to be fair, it is just ‘she’ from now on): Ohh…wedding was fantastic…with all the jewelery and food and lots of relatives! You should have come - it was just awesome…it’s a incredible experience you know!

Me: (silently, nope…I don’t know) Jewelry, food and RELATIVES…dude, was it that good? (with a wink here!)

They: (she again…my friend has resigned himself to fate) - ohhh yeahh, 3 day function with Sangeet, dance n all…we have captured everything on the video, you gotta see it once!

Me: (whoaa! Save me O Lord! if you had know this, you surely wouldn’t have said that!) Sure thing…absolutely, I will make it to your house to watch the video as soon as I am vexed with my work (or rather life I should have said! )

They: Yeah, sure! That would be a good break…You know what, your friend S accompanied us to this trip to Essel World - he was great fun!

Me: Yeah…sounds great! What did you guys do?

They: Ohh..we boarded many rides…and we as a couple have photographs of almost every ride!

Me: Ohh, I see…so basically, S was your photographer! (added) heheh (so that they don’t feel bad!…and I was thinking I was the bigger fool…S…I tell ya!! )

They: Hahah! (and their smiles turned weird…and my friend got the hint…but too late, he was totally powerless in this slugfest)

Me: (Ah! She understood the sarcasm. Now, we can talk about American politics, Global warming and exhaust the remaining 30 min and then rush out of here!)

They (don’t you forget, its only ‘she’ - ‘They’ is just a misnomer): You know, your friend likes North Indian and Chinese a lot.

Me: Oh really! News to me…dude, I hope you haven’t changed suddenly (He was my friend for 7 years, it’s just been a month with you dear! Ah! I forget, wives are supposed to know more about their husbands than their husband’s long time friends! Apologies!)

They: Yeah! We have been to almost every Chinese and North Indian restaurant in the area - We are just learning cooking, you know!

Me: Hahah…yeah, I agree (and I stare at my friend - he is just giggling out of helplessness rather than anything else!)

They: And your friend is an avid orkutter, and he really likes the sitcom ‘Friends’

Me: Ohhh, really! R, you never told me that (and me winks again - and he is like, dekhlungaa betaa, tujhe dekhlungaa!)

They: And he really seems to know things about dresses - I mean, his selection of my sarees, and other dresses exactly matched my preferences!

Me: (Holy crap! Where is my dessert?!) Ohh, that’s fantastic! You guys are just made for each other from birth I guess.

They: (both giggle off to glory, their eyes locking with each other, seemingly lost in trance of the ethereal world)

Me: Er…umm! Sorry to disturb your privacy…but the bill has arrived (ufff!!)

They: You naughty!! (and R proceeds to pay the bill)

Me: Naughty?!! Wtf!!?

And then, I exit gracefully thanking the host and the hostess for a wonderful and fruitful time spent to-gether, knowing many things about my friend that I already knew and knowing some more things about him (like his silence, for one) that I never knew!

Aarrgghh!!

P.S: How easy it is to think ‘that poor R, he has got such a dominating wife?!’ - Nope, she was just too talkative, and compared to R…wayyy too talkative. And mind you, most of the couples I encounter nowadays are like this only (that is, ‘they’ and ’she’ are interchangeable) (except for the fact that I ensure there is a 4th guy/girl around) - So, nope, all you couples out there - don’t you take a higher moral plane

Whenever I am in grave doubt, I turn to ‘the one’ source. Whenever I need to make an important decision, I turn to ‘the one’ source. In this age where there is an acute shortage for real spiritual gurus, my only respite is this online spiritual guru of mine - the mind-bogglingly intelligent, outrageously hilarious..err..poignant rediff message boards.

In the near future, I shall dedicate a complete post to this Master of mine, but for now, peruse this priceless information to secure a H1 (working visa for the USA) -

I was shocked the other day when my 14 year old cousin scrapped me – ‘Wassup?’ on Orkut. Firstly, I didn’t have a clue that he was on Orkut. Secondly, what was this ‘wassup?’ language? Have school kids forgotten the good old English language? An age where we lamented the death of letter–writing with the advent of email seems to have passed us by long ago. We probably have to start lamenting about the death of email and advent of scraps in our life! When did I last receive a personal email from one of my friends or relatives? (Oh no! I am not talking about mass mailing). It was quite a while, actually. What I receive in plenty nowadays are scraps. I reply to their scrap by email and they scrap me back with a reply – what do I call such people – pea-brained cretins??

Orkut, I am told, is only a tiny fraction of the social networking market (MySpace and Facebook being the leading monsters in this space). With every passing day, I get numerous requests to join hundred other social networking websites. LinkedIn, Jaxtr etc etc. Mass marketing + Social networking seems to be a great idea, oh yes! Brilliant idea – but stop SPAMMING me with your wretched and pitiable mass mailing ideas.

My intentions might be mistaken here. I am all for social networking sites – the logical output of what Internet was meant to be. All that ‘old friends’ meet’, ‘accidentally met long-lost teachers’, ‘met my soulmate’, ‘made great friends of friends’ friends’ – I completely agree with all that. There are some times when such good talk has to be said and there are others when all this crap has to be shunted out into a black hole! Being politically correct might demand saying ‘Orkut has its own advantages and disadvantages – sifting out the good from bad is what is required’, ‘There are so many communities on Orkut that would help improve the quality of life’ – but being politically correct is not correct at all, it is just a farce. And community improving quality of life? – are we talking of ‘I love Himesh Reshammiya’ community here?

We live in times where opening a browser entails two simultaneous things – opening up a social networking site in one tab and email in another. ‘Addiction’ is a strong word to use – but I would go a step further – being active on Orkut seems more like a religion nowadays – I guess actual religion gets lesser amount of attention and time than Orkut. Status on the Internet is not about money nowadays – it is more to do with the most number of scraps, most number of communities, videos, number of friends and testimonials. Gathering these have become close-to-maniac activity (and with these testimonials – even more funny – I scratch your back, you scratch mine) - A sense of pure play exhibitionism constipating delusional grandeur!!! As Orkut progresses further, we have hacks (which let anyone with a certain script scrap everyone in their friend list – and yes, customized with the friends’ name too) – script in itself being very simple (simple because a non-computer buff like me could understand it – and could have customized it if I wanted to) – I wonder what advanced hacks would do in a few months!!

Having said this, there is a funny side to Orkut too – funny because the very people who were the lifeline of Orkut have made this possible and the variations in this category border on infinity. The testosterone pumping males – absolute strangers – scrapping females (irrespective of whether the female’s profile pic is visible or not – when guys pump something, all they need - is a name) of the strangest scraps possible with the worst spellings even the illiterate would be ashamed of. Some samples –

Hi…I am lukin for good fraanship with you. Will you be frands with me?

(What did they expect? A wholehearted yes of being frands…err..friends?)

Hello! I am Amit Sharma.

(What response does this guy expect from the girl? Oh..you had me at Hello!??? (a.k.a Jerry Maguire??)

u r so butiful. I wanna make freindship with you.

(You have already made your intentions clear, you fool! And what’s with that subtle misspelling of friendship? Orkut provides you with a online spell-checker nowadays, you know!)

Hi!

(I like this guy. Very succinct and to the point. Intentions very clear – simplicity is the best policy. The girl is most likely to ask ‘Who in the world taught you communication skills?’ rather than doubting his intentions)

One interesting answer I heard from one of my friends (very logical indeed on hindsight!) with regards to communities he had signed up for on Orkut (he had signed up for I love Linkin Park, Bertrand Russell’s fans, Online Chess forums, Business Quiz forum, Hindi Melodies from the ‘70s, etc., etc., counting to around 20). On questioning him with respect to a newfound interest in absolutely alien topics like these, he replied ‘Dude, nowadays, girls search on Orkut first before they talk to you. So better get the profile straight – scraps, videos, rigged testimonials and fake communities. That way, you have made a perfect first impression – needless to say, first impression is always the best impression’!! I couldn’t agree more and I sadly gape at the power Orkut wields over the population aged 6-60!!

P.S –

1) Thankfully, Orkut has brought in certain security features very recently where you can lock scrapbooks, photographs and videos to be visible only to a few select friends. Previously, your online life was out in the open to the entire world (barring a few, who religiously deleted all their scraps regularly)

2) And people –  I believe scrapping gives you different varieties of vicarious pleasure, but please – for Internet’s sake – Email me!!!

Update: This article was published in Desicritics.org. Link here. 

There are search engine terms and there are search engine terms which lead to your blog. WordPress has a neat way of representing clicks, search engine terms etc. that lead readers to your blog. Now, I would not have complained if terms like ‘brilliant writer’, ‘awesome posts’ lead to my blog. However, over a period of time, I have realised that I am known for something else on the blogosphere - and not necessarily what I write. Herein, I give a glimpse of the ‘embalming’ search engine terms that lead to my blog -

1) Hindi Non-veg stories - Now, what in the world did I write on my blogs for the search engine to direct someone to my blog using this phrase? Hindi? My limited knowledge tells me that I write my blogs in English and my spoken hindi is actually not hindi at all but a distorted form of hindi known only to the chosen few. Non-veg - I only wish I could write (human mind is a bubble of ideas - if you get the hint), but I restrained uncontrollably. And yet, this search engine accuses my blog of ‘A’ category - I protest but I don’t know where and how to!!. (In fact, as I write - my friend informs me that someone searched for ‘Labrador Porn’ and the reader was directed to his blog. Uh!).

2) Tips for arranged marriage - I get more of this ‘marriage’ stuff directing readers to my blog. ‘Tips for arranged marriage’, ‘cynical marriage’, ‘arranged marriage gone sour’, ’successful love marriage’…you get the drift, right? As much as you readers have loved the humor of such blogs (and I have enjoyed writing them), ‘Tips and Tricks’ is taking things a little too far (As they say, and I have never understood ‘they’ as usual - There are no shortcuts to success! ). ‘Tips for arranged marriage’…hmm…gives me an idea of starting a marriage counseling firm. You advise, they listen, you get paid, they get thrashed - how simple is that?!

It’s a different matter that KS and JB have accused me of being slightly cynical on certain topics, especially this one - and have vowed to inform this first thing to my future wifey wherever she might be.
Message to future wifey: You know what they say right! Lies, Damned Lies and Kiran’s friends statements about him!!
Message to KS and JB: Hey, I am not cynical ya! I am only optimistically challenged!

3) Relationships and Conversations - See my point of marriage counseling?! I told you that I was good at it There is more to it than meets the eye - or something like that. Never understood what that meant again, but it is, I am told a very profound statement to make. Actually, it should be more like relationships, friendships, courtships and many other ships which have sunk already or are barely afloat and conversations . This one search term is slightly relevant though, to be honest.

4) Rationing - Rationing? Here I thought, I was trying to decipher some of the deepest human emotions(Rational vs Rationalizing) and the search engine term says ‘rationing’?? As if, I was writing from Serbia where even the bread crump and peppermint are rationed or Zimbabwe where even freedom of speech is rationed?? Profundity has been mistaken as Triviality (or maybe it’s true? )

P.S -

1) I digress but what’s up with these New Year resolutions? A randomn date which would make you resolute? Funny, sometimes!

2) Latest joke heard during some corporate training on SAP in a X company (am told the company is in Delhi)

Trainer - So, what do you think is the difference between PERL, PYTHON and AJAX?
Trainee from Bihar - Sir, Gaali mat do sir, abhi bol de raha hu!!!
Trainer - Ok, so do you know anything about ABAP programming?
Trainee from Bihar - Abbey, abhi baap pe kyun jaa raha hai be???

It was a boring Sunday afternoon. The weather was sticky, the entire neighborhood was in a festive mood and there was not a single TV channel worth watching. Guy1 was increasingly frustrated. Restless as he was, he just wanted to get out of the house and do something. He just browsed through the newspaper’s movie section and saw that Mughal-e-Azam was re-released with 100% color. He didn’t have a second thought. He had to watch the movie that day.

It was November 2004…and this fact has no consequence and relation with the events unfolding later in the evening¹.

Guy1 trooped down to Guy2’s house. Guy2 was essentially the ‘Eminem, Hip-hop, Rock’ kind of guy - not exactly interested in historical epic movies. Lack of choice combined with the fiercest desire to watch the enhanced Mughal-e-Azam that particular day forced Guy1 to ask Guy2 whether he would accompany him to a movie. The conversation went something like this -

Guy1: Hey dude! Wassup for the evening!

Guy2: Nothing much…as usual…gappe maaro! You tell me.

Guy1: How about watching the enhanced Mughal-e-Azam that has hit the screens couple of days back?

Guy2 raises an eyebrow.

Guy2: Wasn’t that some old movie? In color now?

Guy1: Yes, it is! Actually….wanted to pull you in because of one reason…anyways..

Guy2: (suspicious) What reason? Anythin special?

Guy1: Naah, nothing much…some interesting and a rare scene I heard from the movie involving the heroine…

Guy2: What interesting and a rare scene? (now he seems interested )

Guy1: Nahiii…jaane de! Anyways…you don’t seem to be interested…let me enjoy the movie all by myself

Guy2: You can…but tell me what INTERESTING and RARE scene?

Guy1: Actually, one of my friends was telling me that the heroine goes topless in one of the scenes…and it is supposed to be one of the rarest scenes in bollywood..so thought you might be interested in it!!

Guy2: Really??? You must be bluffing.

Guy1: Ah well! I told you upfront…you don’t seem to be interested. Anyways, here name is Madhubala…you would have heard her name…one of the most beautiful actresses ever to act in Bollywood…ok then…let me leave…

Guy2: Wait, I am coming!

Guy1: Whattt?!!! Dude, changing your mind ever so often doesn’t help.

Guy2: What is bothering you? My mind, I will change. Chalo, let’s go. I am already excited.

Guy1: (with a morose face and a laughter belly) ok…chalo…and remember I didn’t force you…don’t accuse me in the middle of the movie to say it was boring etc.

Guy2: Nope, I won’t disturb you! I will intently wait for that scene you mentioned.

Guy1: Ahh!! You naughty boy! (winks) Ok then..let’s go.

And then they troop into the theater. Guy2 is surprised to see a long queue for such an old movie, but smugly smiles back to Guy1 - silently saying ‘Hehe! We know, They too seem to know’! Guy1 smiles back nodding his head (he hardly could stop laughing, albeit internally).

The movie is on - Guy1 and Guy2 are both engrossed - both for different reasons. Guy1 is appreciating the colorization, music and the dialogues. Guy2 is intently watching the screen, waiting for the scene to come. It doesn’t. It’s Interval Time.

Guy2: Where is the scene?

Guy1: How do I know? It’s a rare scene. Probably the director has parked it post-interval. Else he might find no audience in the theater after the Interval…(winks)

Guy2: Heheh! Yup, I agree. Who in their right minds would want to watch this movie for movie sake. What you said makes perfect sense.

The Second half begins. The story repeats. As the movie draws to a close, Guy2 increasingly becomes impatient. Impatience turns to frustration and probably anger too. He spent 100 bucks on a worthless movie - for one scene - ‘hopefully it’s in the climax’, he reassures himself.

As the credits roll up, Guy2 is furious with Guy1.

Guy2: Where is the damnn scene?

Guy1: How do I know dude? Maybe the director bowed to Censor board!

Guy2: Whatt!! What the hell!!

Guy1: Dude, wait for this news to spread. You will find noone in the theaters from tomorrow.

Guy2: I agree - I myself am gonna SMS all my friends about this cheater fact and the cheater director.

Guy1: Yes, do that!

Consoling themselves that they have been royally cheated, they proceed to the Coffee Day adjacent to the theater. Guy3 accidentally spots Guy1 and Guy2. Joins them at the table.

Guy3: Heyy guys! What’s up! How come here?

Guy2: Don’t ask man! Life sucks!

Guy3: What, What happened!

Guy1 slowly tries to move away from the table.

Guy2: We went to this crap movie called Mughal-e-Azam dude, the director…damnn him…he cheated us!

Guy3: Cheated? How?

Guy2: Don’t ask dude! There was supposed to be a topless scene of one of the most beautiful actresses in bollywood

Guy3: Topless?? What are you talking about? Where did you get this information? Are you crazy?

Guy2: Yeah dude! and - and this director just bowed to the Censor board!

Guy3: Who told you this stupid fact? There is no such thing like that - filmed in 1960…topless? Hollywood would be put to shame in those days for filming topless scenes.

Guy1 has moved to a comfortable distance away from the view of Guy2 and Guy3. He is clutching his stomach and laughing uproariously.

Guy2: Why…Guy1 told me today afternoon..in fact, he was the one who dragged me to this movie…Is it not Guy1?

Guy2 turns around to find Guy1 in fitting laughter. Guy3 understands the situation and starts laughing too - in fact, Guy1 and Guy3 give hi-fis before laughing even more raucously. Guy2 is red with anger, frustration and insult. He hurls the plastic pen stand on the table towards Guy1. Guy1 ducks. All three make up later over three lattes and two brownies.

Guy2 is currently working in a Bank, Guy3 in an Investment firm. Guy1 is Yours Truly  I only had good intentions to watch the movie. Sigh! Nowadays, good intentions cost you 200 bucks in Coffee day

What can you bring to the table?

That sounded like a bolt from the blue for a greenhorn like me couple of years ago - which was when I first stepped into the corporate world. Especially, if this question is asked early in the morning, I almost replied ‘Why, How about Samosas and Tea’ - but refrained.

Just then, my boss popped into the meeting. He said ‘Kiran, just make sure you jot down all the points, keep me in the loop and let’s discuss about this product by close of play today’. I immediately had two questions for him ‘Will the noose made of barbed wire the size of your neck makeup for a loop’ and ‘Close of Play…dammnn…I seemed to have missed some communication…so… Are we playing some game today?’ - again I somehow felt I had missed a point and refrained from questioning him.

Bosses have a strange way of dealing with their sub-ordinates. Meetings for me are time well-spent - sleeping! The other day, during one such meeting involving lot of technical details, where I was heavily into my afternoon siesta - hearing terms like WSDL, integration, interface communication, RTM, ODS etc etc of which I had no clue of, my boss interrupts the meeting and asks me ‘So, Kiran, what do you think about the game-changer here? Do you think we can win the game with this alternative?!’ For a moment, I wondered if I missed most part of a India-Pakistan cricket match. However, auto-control took over and I replied ‘Honestly, unless this WSDL works with RTM and ODS efficiently and we are able to provide more bang-for-the-buck for the business - I think we are merely wasting time discussing alternatives’. My boss said ‘That’s an interesting point’. Ah! My moral teacher always used to teach ‘Honesty is the best policy’ - and following it today has lead to fruitful results….muahahahhaha!!!

Jargons fly during office hours and it is frustrating if you are continuously barraged with it. The other day - after a long presentation which involved me scribbling a lot on the whiteboard, my boss asks me ‘So, say we start on a clean slate - What then would be the implications of this change?’ Whatttt??? What did he think I was doing on the whiteboard? Doodling!! I guess after the clean slate is filled to every inch - he might ask ‘How about trying the blue sky approach?!’  He goes on to say ‘So are we on the same page now?’ - I mean what?!! No dude, we are not - actually, we are just on different planets!

Another meeting - and as interested I am in such meetings (heavy slumber that is), I ask a harmless question ‘Don’t you think we need an audittrail for such an application?’ and my technical colleague shoots back ‘Why don’t I touchbase with you offline on this?’. I shot back to him on Gtalk (yes, we were chatting parallely too!) ‘Dudeee…you are not touching my base ONLINE or OFFLINE.’ Last heard, he was heavily reprimanded by his boss for laughter in a very serious meeting

But this one takes the cake. Happened quite a while ago when one of the Vice-Presidents in my previous company heard my presentation - At the end of the presentation he asked me ‘So, kiran - are we maximizing synergies here? I want you to run up some numbers on this because as an organization we are switching gears which might result in a paradigm shift in the way we work. Also, we might create some payroll orphans due to this. After you send me the results of the analysis, let me bounce off this idea with my superior - we’ll just raise the flag up the flagpole to see which way the wind blows it! What do you think?’

I just mumbled Sure, will do. But to understand the fuzzy language of this above statement took me two full days - breaking every phrase, every word in the phrase, analyzing it, losing sleep over it and in the end understanding it as ‘Can we generate profit out of this idea? We run a risk of firing some people due to this. Let me check with my superior about the validity’ Ufff…what a way with jargon!!

Next time I met him, I told him ‘Anil, I feel we need to think out of the box for such a problem - keeping other things on radar along with this. Currently, my plate is full but given sufficient time I can ramp up and will have sufficient bandwidth to deal with the proposed solution’. He smiled smugly (a satisfaction of seeing your own reflection in others) and said ‘Good job. I appreciate your thought process and way of communication - Keep it up’. Saying this, he tapped me on my shoulder. I was anointed into the ‘Jargonian’ league.