THE ULTIMATE TRUTH

Heaven and Hell; Life and Near-death; Tolerable and Intolerable; Intelligence and Dumbness; Bearable and Unbearable;

The question for the day is ‘What is common among all these pairs of terms, other than opposites?’

My answer would be ‘Morons who got their better halves into the same company, or even worse, same project as theirs - did they actually think it would turn out to be the positive opposite? Really? What were they thinking?’

For the sake of simplicity, I use the male pronoun herein. The following is equally applicable to the female pronoun too [If only defeating sexism were as simple as throwing in an occasional he/she, her or hers. Kindly don't look for sexism where none exists].

As has been the sad case over thousands of years now, people have been getting married. What is even more pathetic nowadays is that they are getting married to a person who is in the same profession! Even worse, same company and the most blinding wonder of wonders, same project. Seriously dude, what were you thinking? Has your IQ turned negative? Or, are you on a mission to reach unsurpassed stupidity? What exactly is your problem that you committed such a colossal blunder?

From an Indian perspective (and is equally applicable to almost all nations), the boom in IT industry has created major behemoths who employ close to a million people. This in turn has affected the marriage market in unimaginable proportions. Apart from creating various love-bird colonies in almost every campus, this IT boom has affected the arranged marriage market in a profound manner. A sample conversation between three parents -

Parent1: My daughter did her B.Com. She is now working in a call center

Parent2: Oh! B.Com aa…My son did his Engineering. Now he is in software. We are looking for a software girl who can understand his work too.

(software girl…wtf?!)

Parent3: True, just like platform-language compatibility, the kids should also be compatible in their own sectors…like software…hahahahh!

Parent1: Yes, yes…I am sending my daughter to computer coaching. She will also join a software company very soon…nowadays who wants to work in retail shop or manufacturing plant I say!

That being the case of parents, most of the marriages are happening between IT professionals. As far as I am concerned, since the majority market (and I use the term ‘market’ in the truest sense, no insult here!) is in IT now, I don’t see an issue why the couples shouldn’t be in the same profession. But imagine the conversations at home:

Guy: So, can we go to Gopal’s function now?

Girl: Ahh, I think I can’t make it…I have a problem with this Oracle database…can you help me out here?

Guy: Oh sure sweetheart! So, what exactly is the problem…is there a problem with the Extract process, the Transform process or the Load process!

Isn’t that sad to say the least?

What is even more depressing is if they are working for the same company. ‘Ahh, they go in the same car, they go-together, come to-gether - they save on petrol as well as they spend more time to-gether, how nice!’ and ‘Awww, chooo chweet, no?’ are statements we tend to hear. Firstly, No, it is not sweet…what’s more, the guy is probably going through the worst torture in his life. Don’t get me wrong here - I think a couple working in the same company is absolutely fantastic…as a concept. Practically, it would drive most guys insane.

When Einstein spoke about the infiniteness of human stupidity, I am sure he was referring to guys who have their spouses in the same project as theirs. Imagine a jail - same thing; in fact, even worse. Imagine a noose around you 24×7, office and home - like heaven and hell being one and the same. Absolutely no privacy, and every move being monitored, analyzed and feedback duly passed. The better thing to do here would be to choke themselves rather than get into this afflictment. As Shakespeare says in the Twelfth Night, ‘Observe these guys, for the love of mockery’. Actually, ‘whole-hearted sympathy; is the phrase to used for such people - I like their approach, but definitely would love to see their departure from my sight.

P.S: This blog’s topic was a random idea my supervisor had come up with. All credit to her

1) Back after the longest gap in my blogging history of 3 years. There was really no reason nor excuse why I didn’t or couldn’t blog. I was working my back off for the past 3 weeks, including weekends; my online life of Orkut, Twitter, Gtalk and others have been dormant to say the least - but heck, I had time to talk to my friends, read a book etc., but didn’t have time to blog. It was not really the issue of I didn’t want to blog - rather, it was this notion of coming up with a blog every Sunday evening, every week - and I just couldn’t resist looking away from my laptop on every Sunday evening for the past 3 weeks. Heart of hearts, probably didn’t want to blog - but most probably too lazy to blog.

2) Interesting things happened over the past 3 weeks. The first of the lot is that I got hooked to ‘Leave it to Psmith’ by PG Wodehouse. I have read PGW before, but this book was something else. The sheer hilarity, brilliant use of metaphors and the twisted situations in the book was immensely enjoyable. Definitely recommend it to anyone who has an inclination for PGW’s style of humor. Awesome.

3) Bloopers on chat conversations are hilarious. What makes it even more enjoyable is that you can only imagine the other person’s reactions - and imagination, for what it is, is wild. I have committed as well as faced many bloopers, but since this blog is restricted to the past 3 weeks, I had this wonderful encounter with a lady friend of mine (I digress, but I am having immense difficulty coining a word for a girl who is in her late 20s but unmarried - teen is stupid, girl sounds young, lady sounds old, woman sounds insulting and female sounds degrading…any thoughts?) on the office communicator. She is based out of India, in the same assignment as mine and the following conversation ensued -

Her: Hey! Wassup?

Me: Hey! How u doing? Nothing much, same as usual.

Her: Ahh…it’s so boring here ya!

Me: Come here (as in..to the US)…and I’ll have atleast someone interesting to go out with.

Her: I’d love you

Me: really?? wah!

Her (hurriedly): I’d love to, I’d love to…sorry sorry!

Me: naah, you don’t have to correct yourself, I didn’t get offended

Her: ya ya ya these bloopers I tell ya…dangerous!!

Me: ahh…damnnn! For a moment, I was the happiest guy in the world!

Her: Heheh!

Me:

4) The past weekend, my organization set up a leadership training programme for the entire 2 days, 8:30 - 6:00. I am one of the millions in the world, who tend to believe that waking up before 8 on weekends is a crime, if not an offence. However, I dragged my feet along to this training, and expected myself to laze around in the programme, wake up on Monday morning and turn out to be the biggest and most influential leader my organization has ever seen. Fortunately, that was not to be and I ended up listening to most of the programme, which was conducted by one Mr. A. However, A had an interesting word he would throw more often than not. Some samples -

- I am going to give you a fantastic case study, which offers some fantastic insights and which will lead you to fantastic solutions.

- I am about to tell you a fantastic example about this fantastic guy who did this fantastic thing.

Not to mention his most commonly used word, the entire programme was fantastic..err…great, thanks to Mr. A!

5) I have observed for the past three years that my blog undergoes some sort of rejuvenation once in a while, especially when I take such a long break. Hopefully, this break will steer the blog in a slightly different direction, making the reading experience more enjoyable than before. (too much funda, no? )

Now that the seemingly-never-ending IPL tournament has ended, albeit with lot of brouhaha during the closing ceremony and a fantastic final match (by some quirky turn of fate, every IPL tournament’s final is a very close contest – IPL World Cup final, ICL final and now this!) – it is time we take stock of how different sets of people would react to the end of what has been the most exciting tournament in a long long time.

Men in India: For one and half months, they were not short of entertainment between 8PM-11PM. On some days, there were two matches on the same day. It was ‘more the merrier’ for this particular set of people. They used to come back from work/colege, take some rest and watch the entire match till they dozed off to sleep. Getting used to T20 cricket is like getting used to marijuana – the more you have, the more you want. From today, these men would have no entertainment, nothing to look forward to at night. Their evenings would once again turn into a dull-drab affair. They would begin to ask questions about how unfair the tournament was, in that it ended only after one and half months. As with all other issues in life, they would lament themselves in the men-only group at work/college.

Women in India: This set is the most excited of all that this tournament has finally ended. They were the biggest opposition of IPL since it was slotted in prime-time and hence not allowing women to watch their serials – serials which usually continue for approximately 4 years with infinite number of saas and bahus, 257 relatives and 100 children, all in a gigantic house where almost every other day there is a festival/death. Women had to bear the brunt of cricket being discussed all day all night at home – driving them close to insanity. How could they miss their daily dose of tears from Tulsi and evil shenanigans from various other stupid bahuraanis? Alas, they found out at the end of IPL that producers of these serials did not take the story forward by much during the past one and half month (as they did for the past one and half years) – they rub their hands in glee at the prospect of watching all serials all night till another cricket tournament takes over.

Desis in the US: IPL was a topic of much elation, with heated arguments and discussions – taking place during the most productive hours at work – from 1030 to 1330. Battlelines were drawn between states and the respective teams. Completion of deadlines was secondary to discussing the latest goofup in team selections or the brilliance of a new strategy. Each one pitched in with their own theories and best practices in T20 cricket, unmindful of the frenzied atmosphere of NCAA/NBA championships around in the US. Weekends were a breeze – with two matches on every day of the weekend (and with benevolent softwares like Sopcast and TVUplayer), it was one big party for one and half month.

Politicians: (Yes, they are usually neither Men nor Women!) Last heard they were bickering about reservations in the IPL teams. Karunanidhi was especially upset that Chennai Super Kings lost to an unknown desert team Rajasthan Royals, and decided to take up the matter with the unMan-mohan singh, calling in for reservations and progress of the Tamizh state. Vasundhara Raje for her part has declared that Royals win has been a befitting reply to the wily terrorists who dare to blow bombs in Jaipur to cause impact to maximum number of people. Rahul Gandhi has called for a greater cohesion in the Congress party much like Rajasthan Royals and Chennai Super kings but not like Deccan Chargers and Bangalore Royal Challengers. Prathibha tai (in case you forgot, she is our Honorable President) has decided to talk with ghosts and spirits to help Delhi Daredevils win next time.

As the IPL drew to a close, much like the primaries in the US – President Bush sat smiling in the White House watching IPL and the primaries on two different television sets asking himself, ‘Now, how and where should I seek fun? Maybe I will bomb another country before November’ and proceeded to call his Generals to the White house!

Another city, another set of bomb blasts – same set of statements repeated by politicians, police and the media alike; it is seeming more and more like the good ol’ Doordarshan repeat of movies/serials. Hyderabad then, Jaipur now – concurrent blasts, same set of devices, same kind of networking and probably similar number of people killed. How often do we hear that ‘History repeats itself’; I have seen history repeat itself twice over now.

Terrorists (jihadis) who are paid/motivated to cause such disruptions aside, let us look at three fundamental angles to this issue –

1) Politicians: What do we call a bunch of politicians? I say, let’s start calling them ‘A swarm of incompetence’. We often had the same dialogues repeated over and over, irrespective of which party is in power (seems like they have had a common scriptwriter in the Parliament)

‘The terrorists will be firmly dealt with’ (with what, chocolates?)

‘The intent of the terrorists was to cause maximum damage to human life. We will not tolerate such acts of cruelty’ (how surprising!)

Let’s not try to blame them for a moment, shall we? I mean why blame them, if they are not the ones who had/have perpetrated the crime? They cannot leave their all-important job of taking bribes (oops, gifts!) and go after these blood-sucking criminals, can they?

Let’s try to look at it from their perspective. Why at all should they be driven to protect their citizens in a zealous manner from bomb blasts and terrorists? Was a political party ever voted out of power because they did not provide proper safety to their citizens? Or were they voted out of power because the price of onions/rice/wheat rose dramatically? [FYI, BJP was voted out for rise in price of onions in a state]. The incentives are very clear to the politicians too. Every human being is driven by incentives, and the politicians, more so. Let’s not try to get into the moral argument of ‘they were voted into power to secure the lives of citizens’. They were voted into power to do many other things, but they don’t. Police and intelligence were recruited to do this kind of job, not the politicians. Blaming them recklessly would not lead to any fruitful results. What we need to do however - is find a way to incentivise saving of lives, incentivise preventing bomb blasts and then observe positive results automatically. Until that happens, we are going to hear many such similar statements, irrespective of the number of bomb blasts that happen.

[I am deliberately avoiding commenting on the Media. As such, nowadays, two monkeys taking care of each other on a tree in a remote village, Abhishek-Aishwarya wedding drama got more coverage than these bomb blasts; not to mention the frenzy over IPL. Ignorance is total bliss in such a scenario. Fools of the infiniteth order!]

2) ‘We’ the People: One word, Apathy! We have grown apathetic to killing, to terrorism and all related carnages. Sad, but true. What is the first thing you do when you hear of bomb blasts? I, for one, watch the news, call up home to check if everything and everyone known to us is Ok and then switch to more interesting channels. Indifference to death, not in the spiritual sense but materially – we hear about deaths in Kashmir, deaths in the North-Eastern (NE) states so regularly, that it has totally dropped out of the news radar. Heck, the daily number of deaths in Kashmir and NE states might be more than the deaths in Jaipur and Hyderabad put to-gether. Do we express a concern? Oh yeah, words of condolences in Jaipur and Hyderabad’s cases, and silence in other scenarios. And, why is apathy bad? Because, this apathy precisely translates into politicians not having to deal with terrorism ‘with a strong hand’ in literal sense, this same apathy doesn’t make us considerate towards ‘curbing terrorism’ while we vote. Alas, we hope to avoid every bomb blast that happens, and pray every day that a bomb doesn’t go somewhere in the world which may affect any of our family members. I sincerely hope we don’t get into a situation where bomb blasts become the order of the day, just like Kashmir and NE states. As preposterous and terribly pessimistic it may sound, if the scenario does come into play, we have only ourselves to blame.

3) ‘What can I do?”: Actually, nothing. I, as an individual cannot make a difference other than write blogs like this, or support a peace rally which probably will not even get noticed/written about. I cringed, while I wrote the above lines – but I do have some cold logic to support my statement (as awful as it may sound, this is probability!).

Consider this - Police and intelligence agencies might have foiled probably 100 attempts of bomb blasts before this became successful. If not 100, it may be 1000. Considering the breadth of India’s geographical boundaries and its porous borders, the probability of success of bomb blasts increases dramatically day by day. This is because we have more ‘probable’ terrorists coming in through the porous borders for almost the same number of field force in police and intelligence agencies. Hence, by default, the police and intelligence are bound to miss on a tip or two – which might lead to blasts like Jaipur and Hyderabad (and as scientists say, there is usually one success for every 1000 failures]. So much for my optimism, agenda, ‘curbing terrorism’ et al, the mathematics is seemingly true. Please feel free to dispute the logic in the comments section. [And please, hope my mathematical argument doesn’t lead you to question ‘Are you asking us to stop working on curbing terrorism because probability (mathematics) says so? Are you nuts?’ – No, I am not suggesting to stop working on ‘curbing terrorism’. In fact, I am only suggesting to increase vigilance dramatically to stop such incidents].

‘Advertising during IPL matches is over the top – the ads start as soon as the 6th ball of one over is bowled and end only during the 1st ball of the next over. It is killing cricket’ – I have heard this over and over for the past many days. But hey, they paid big bucks for putting up their advertisements and they need to get a good return out of it – don’t you think that is fair? The answers might be yes, no and maybe – but this article is not about the authenticity of the advertising in-between overs; rather it is about advertising within the overs. Let’s look at some of the options –

1) Advertising on ‘ball boys’: I find this slightly shocking – how couldn’t marketers look at such an attractive market for grabbing eyeballs of the viewers (considering the golden rule of marketing/advertising is to grab ‘eyeballs’ and hence brand recall)? ‘Ball boys’ are the ones who throw back the ball to the fielders after the ball reaches the boundary. Considering the number of times the ball reaches the boundary in T20 matches, doesn’t it make logical sense to grab eyeballs of all viewers when the camera is focused on the ball reaching the boundary, the ball boy picking it up and throwing back to the bowler? Let’s take the minimum amount of time that one such event happens – let’s say 5 seconds. The average number of times the ball hits the boundary during the course of the match (two innings) is say, 70 times – which implies 350 seconds on/close to the ball boy. That is almost 6 minutes of advertising in prime time of the match – where almost 30-35 ads of approx 10 secs each can fit in. The cost? What would be the cost of sponsoring the dress for ball boys with company’s (or companies) logo imprinted on it? Get them in bulk – and the cost would be next to nothing. The eyeballs it can grab – plenty.

2) Britannia ’single’ and a MRF ‘two’: We have also heard about ‘DLF sixer’ and a ‘Citibank four’ etc. Make no mistake – it’s a very important innovation that has come through, probably only because of T20. Irritating – you bet! But what about ‘brand recall’? Marketers must be rubbing their hands in glee looking at such an innovation. Let’s take this a bit far – how about a ‘Britannia single’, ‘MRF two’ and a ‘Cheetos three’. How about naming some of the bowling/batting ends as ‘Reliance end’ and ‘Birla Sun Life end’? A sample of the commentary would flow something like this –

Daredevils Sehwag has nudged Royals Warne towards the Reliance end - is it going to be a Britannia single, ohh…it is going to be a MRF two…ohh noo, the fielder has misplaced it, probably a Cheetos three…the ball has finally reached the boundary…it is a Citibank four.

The example above is slightly exaggerated, but you get the idea. Advertising during the match (instead of between overs) is much more effective in grabbing eyeballs. You might say ‘Hey, that is irritating advertising’. Oh yeah! Rule number one in Advertising: There is no such thing as good advertising or bad advertising as long as it grabs attention. Rule number two: In case of doubt, refer rule number one.

3) Advertising on Commentators: This is slightly dicy, but it might pay off considering the lower costs associated with it. Instead of the bland plain dresses the commentators wear during the pre-match and post-match analysis, why not tag a ‘Nike’, ‘Reebok’ or any other company logo on their shirts? As long as it doesn’t conflict with the sports broadcaster’s and commentators agreements/commitments (and I don’t think anyone is so stupid to wear a Star shirt on a Sony broadcast – ah! I forget Sidhu!), all the parties involved would be happy (Advertisers for their eyeballs, Broadcasters and Commentators for the extra money that they rake in). Now, the only question is what percentage of match-viewing audience would also watch the pre-match and post-match analysis? I think very few – and hence the earlier logic of lower costs involved in putting up the logo on commentators’ shirts [Me says, get Mandira Bedi with her noodle straps – who in their right minds would miss the pre-match and post-match analysis? I wouldn’t ]

4) Rebirth of Super Selector: During my Engineering days, there was a wonderful programme called ‘Super Selector’. Summarily, it involved selecting a team across the whole bunch of players whom you think would score max runs/take wickets/effect run outs – and depending on that, points would be allocated. The top scorers used to win prizes from Fabmall. The programme was a raging success. I have no idea why this programme was discontinued – but I think it’s a great idea to rev up with this programme for the T20 championships. That would grab the attention of the younger audience (to whom you can pitch in/cross-sell more products, expensive products - and hence better margins], create advertising for the prize-givers and offer prime time slots to showcase the programme along with different advertisements. I did look at some ‘pseudo super selector’ contests on the Internet, but they tend create more junk in your mailbox rather than anything else. Any clue anyone why this programme isn’t yet on the air?

Those were my few thoughts on during-the-match-primetime advertising. Any other ideas?

The past two weeks were hectic, to say the least.

The most awaited movie of the year – Tashan got released. The metaphor in itself is probably the biggest awaited joke of the year. With the movie poster of Tashan looking eerily similar to Covenant, Yash Raj films indicated that this movie was not original even with the initial advertising. However, with the sole aim of watching Kareena Kapoor making a fool of herself, I watched the movie much to my bemusement and embarrassment. Terming the movie as a joke is an insult to the word ‘joke’. Attempting a Kill Bill+Ursula Andress in a bikini show, Kareena failed miserably and so did all the other co-stars (although some credit needs to go to Akshay Kumar). A shaven-bare-chested Anil Kapoor was probably the most shocking surprise of the movie – but his acting prowess (if I might call it that) has sunk from bad to worse with movies like ‘Race’ and ‘Tashan’. Spinning a yarn convincingly requires talent – and although I would accept that movies are no theorem-proof and are a mode of pure escapist entertainment, Tashan is exactly the sort of entertainment you want to escape from oh-so-desperately! A done-to-death childhood-friends-meeting-later concept and the seemingly meaningless run-around made ‘Race’ look much better in terms of quality and delivery. The prosperity of Yash Raj Films was due to their originality and dare – not cheap imitation, mimicry and mediocrity. Statutory Warning: Watching Tashan is injurious to health.

It was also a week where Sreesanth competed for ‘Award for the Biggest Sissie Drama of the Year’ and won it convincingly. A well-known dramatist-cum-patchy bowler to say the least (no, he still can’t compete with Ajit Agarkar for the Worst Bowler Award!! Ajit is miles ahead of him!) had a tete-a-tete with a bowler whose brains had been lent-on-lease indefinitely, with the result of a sweet punch on the jaw which resulted in Sreesanth bawling like…(no, let’s not insult kids like this!). With the way Indian cricket is played, don’t be surprised if you suddenly watch a soap called ‘Kyunki Sreesanth bhi kabhi Cricketer tha’! Sreesanth is the new gamma-male (alpha and beta are taken presumably!) representing India, a male who can cry on screen effortlessly and for no reason at all. He has probably opened up a whole new market for male actors who would also like to cry on screen. Soaps would be abound with the entire 138 members in a family which stays in one bungalow, dressed up in heavy bindis and kurtas sobbing and howling for 3 years straight. Sreesanth – you are just awesome; there will definitely be a role for you in each of these soaps where you can weep to your heart’s content and get paid for it.

And to round the two weeks off, this piece of news ticked me real bad. The summary of the article is that Singh has called for cut in corporate pay packets to eradicate poverty. Is this the same Singh that our economic textbooks extol of being the spearhead for liberalization in 1993? Is this the same Singh that called for extensive all inclusive-growth to eradicate poverty a while back? His call for “self-imposed ceiling on salaries and expenditure as a means to drive down demand and so ease pressure on supplies” is pure gibberish. Article after article in Markets/Economics/Finance demand that there be ‘incentives’ to growth, and here is our Prime Minister calling for a cut in incentives, thereby stunting growth inevitably. With rising prices of commodities every day across the world, a cut in incentives should have been least on Dr. Singh’s radar. Probably the functioning of Congress has got into the head of Dr. Singh – sadly, for a man I respected utmost, he has disappointed me terribly. Wretched is the situation for a man who was held in high-esteem for his forward-looking policies and global attitude to go on a pseudo-communist path - ah! It is such a shame!

Of the many stupid moments and conversations I have been involved in over the past 25 years, some stupid moments stand out - for the sheer ingenuity and willingness to be ‘bakraofied’, some decisions I have taken to be involved in these stupid moments can be classified as stupefyingly stupid, if not downright insane. (Four ‘stupids’ in one paragraph - my English ma’am would never forgive me )

Now that some of my guy friends have got married, I get a chance to meet them only with their wives (don’t ask me whether that’s fortunate or unfortunate), say for lunch/dinner at some restaurants. I tend to avoid meeting them if some other friend is not joining me; that is, I try as hard as I can to make the number of people at the table to be 4, rather than 3. Being human, I am incapacitated sometimes, and inspite of my best efforts, such hard work proves futile. I have to end up being the sole 3^rd member - which unfortunately at a lunch party sometime back I ended up being one, with a friend of mine (R) whom I have known for 7 years. They were married for a month now, and deciding to meet them as the 3^rd member was well…..Anyways, proceeding to the conversation:

The couple is referred to as ‘They’ (although… it was ‘she’ most of the time - typical family I guess - I have a saying, Two bodies, one voice - hers -> and this couple was a personification of that!)

Me: Heyyy, how are you guys doing?!

They: Very well, how are you?

Me: Am doing very good

Me: So, how was the honeymoon n all? And what is this small party ya?!

They: Honeymoon was fantastic…and dude, you didn’t come to the reception - it isn’t our problem exactly you know.

(and that’s probably the last time I heard the guy, my friend…really speak, except for a few nods and some ya’s here and there!)

Me: Haha…true! Caught up with some office work and blah and blah dude - typical stuff you know. Anyways, how was the wedding?

They (yeah…to be fair, it is just ‘she’ from now on): Ohh…wedding was fantastic…with all the jewelery and food and lots of relatives! You should have come - it was just awesome…it’s a incredible experience you know!

Me: (silently, nope…I don’t know) Jewelry, food and RELATIVES…dude, was it that good? (with a wink here!)

They: (she again…my friend has resigned himself to fate) - ohhh yeahh, 3 day function with Sangeet, dance n all…we have captured everything on the video, you gotta see it once!

Me: (whoaa! Save me O Lord! if you had know this, you surely wouldn’t have said that!) Sure thing…absolutely, I will make it to your house to watch the video as soon as I am vexed with my work (or rather life I should have said! )

They: Yeah, sure! That would be a good break…You know what, your friend S accompanied us to this trip to Essel World - he was great fun!

Me: Yeah…sounds great! What did you guys do?

They: Ohh..we boarded many rides…and we as a couple have photographs of almost every ride!

Me: Ohh, I see…so basically, S was your photographer! (added) heheh (so that they don’t feel bad!…and I was thinking I was the bigger fool…S…I tell ya!! )

They: Hahah! (and their smiles turned weird…and my friend got the hint…but too late, he was totally powerless in this slugfest)

Me: (Ah! She understood the sarcasm. Now, we can talk about American politics, Global warming and exhaust the remaining 30 min and then rush out of here!)

They (don’t you forget, its only ‘she’ - ‘They’ is just a misnomer): You know, your friend likes North Indian and Chinese a lot.

Me: Oh really! News to me…dude, I hope you haven’t changed suddenly (He was my friend for 7 years, it’s just been a month with you dear! Ah! I forget, wives are supposed to know more about their husbands than their husband’s long time friends! Apologies!)

They: Yeah! We have been to almost every Chinese and North Indian restaurant in the area - We are just learning cooking, you know!

Me: Hahah…yeah, I agree (and I stare at my friend - he is just giggling out of helplessness rather than anything else!)

They: And your friend is an avid orkutter, and he really likes the sitcom ‘Friends’

Me: Ohhh, really! R, you never told me that (and me winks again - and he is like, dekhlungaa betaa, tujhe dekhlungaa!)

They: And he really seems to know things about dresses - I mean, his selection of my sarees, and other dresses exactly matched my preferences!

Me: (Holy crap! Where is my dessert?!) Ohh, that’s fantastic! You guys are just made for each other from birth I guess.

They: (both giggle off to glory, their eyes locking with each other, seemingly lost in trance of the ethereal world)

Me: Er…umm! Sorry to disturb your privacy…but the bill has arrived (ufff!!)

They: You naughty!! (and R proceeds to pay the bill)

Me: Naughty?!! Wtf!!?

And then, I exit gracefully thanking the host and the hostess for a wonderful and fruitful time spent to-gether, knowing many things about my friend that I already knew and knowing some more things about him (like his silence, for one) that I never knew!

Aarrgghh!!

P.S: How easy it is to think ‘that poor R, he has got such a dominating wife?!’ - Nope, she was just too talkative, and compared to R…wayyy too talkative. And mind you, most of the couples I encounter nowadays are like this only (that is, ‘they’ and ’she’ are interchangeable) (except for the fact that I ensure there is a 4th guy/girl around) - So, nope, all you couples out there - don’t you take a higher moral plane

I love photographs, especially old photographs where I was a little toddler, handled by different uncles and aunts, grandpas and grandmas and of course parents in different poses and backgrounds. As is the case with most of us, I too have a huge album of photographs consisting of the entire family – father’s side, mother’s side – probably from the time my mother and father were kids. The favorites are the ones with my cousins with almost all of them with crazy poses – the one where I am eagerly looking to eat the cake, while my similar-aged cousin of 8 was trying to celebrate his birthday, the one in the fields of my village where I had put on my uncle’s sunglasses with almost nothing but a short on, the one where three cousins of mine were fighting with each other as to who should play the car race and many many more. I am sure everyone has his/her own set of photographs and lovely memories.

Each photograph had a story. Even the very old faded ones, torn ones of the 1950s and 1960s had a story. These stories connected to another set of stories and and them to another and this whole series made for a very interesting conversation, and given the time, the discussions would go on for a long long time. Some of these photographs also had counter-stories – one uncle would have one story connected to one photograph and an aunt would have a conflicting story with the same photograph. And therein, ensues a debate which is even more fun and battle-lines are drawn for a discussion which could cover an entire evening. During the good ol’ days, a family photograph meant an event which covered the entire evening. We had to get dressed up very neatly, some elder would seek appointment with the photographer and we all went, the entire family walking down the street to the photographer’s shop. It was an event everyone looked forward to, a merry event – and considering the cameras of those days, you always had the photographer grumbling – aahh, little this side, little that side, don’t tilt your head to the left, lift your head up, ahh..smile and then a click. Everyone waited for three days for the photographer to deliver the photograph with bated breath and then would converge to discuss the pros and cons of the photograph, interspersed frequently by how bad the photography was and promises by anyone and everyone that the next photographer should be a better one.

I look at the recent photographs too – the ones before the digicams became widely prevalent and we all had to expend probably 250 bucks to get a film roll and then get it washed (as they used to call it). Every photograph taken was precious and there were very few and far in between. The ones of Intermediate and Engineering immediately come to mind – and even today, when friends meet up, the discussions about some of the photographs go on and on – from ‘how in the world did I wear such a dress for such an important occasion?’ to ‘how stupid was that’ – but more often than not, feel happy about some memories which remained.

In the current scenario, where everyone with a digital camera thinks himself as an expert in photography (not to mention his favorite hobby as photography), the value of photography probably might have gone up but the value attached to those photographs has drastically dwindled. An age where digicams are inexpensive, the photographs taken are reviewed immediately and the cost attached to each photograph is next to zero – the photographs in itself have lost most of their significance. The number of photographs taken has multiplied, while the importance of each photograph has probably been divided by infinity.

The number of photographs taken for any trip of 3 days is close to 400 (I along with my friends were guilty of this!). It goes into our hard drive after one, probably two looks and then….bham! I have no clue when we would open the folder containing these photographs again. 400 photographs – that probably would be the number of photographs taken in a marriage function in the old days – each photograph carefully treasured in an album, the album in itself covered in some cloth and each time the album was taken out, it was a moment of occasion, of stories and counter-stories again. Not so now. I am also saddened at the state of younger toddlers today. They would have no means to hear some stories and scenarios connected to their photographs – the number of photographs would have been so many in number, he would just see them as a movie – no narratives, no chronicles, plain old one threaded seamless movie (to quote an example again, my colleague has 200 photographs of his 2-week old daughter – I rest my case!). With handycams too within the reach of most of the population, the children of today needn’t even connect the digital photographs – it is in a movie format alright!!

Poor young toddlers of today – they would never know what value a half-torn photograph holds neither will they know how valuable a family photograph is. Probably, they don’t have time for all such things in this uber-competitive world….Really??

A few years ago, I was taught a theory which had revolutionized the field of behavioral sciences back then. It was called the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Abraham Maslow developed a model in which basic, low-level needs such as physiological requirements and safety must be satisfied before higher-level needs such as self-fulfillment are pursued. In this hierarchical model, when a need is mostly satisfied it no longer motivates and the next higher need takes its place.

Maslow’s Hierarchy:

Similarly, circa 2008, there has been an effort to publish a fantastic theory after tons and tons of effort (i.e., after generous amounts of drooling over Ayesha Jhulka in JJWS and breaking my head over a Quentin’s movie, Deathproof) which talked about the bread and butter of corporate lifestyle, ‘outstanding gibberish’ (colloquially also known as bullshitting, crap, baloney, drivel and various other 4-letter words). The author, after due consideration over a box of chips, concluded that ‘crap’ cannot be classified under a hierarchy but the tools to generate this crap definitely can. What’s more – he also intelligently deciphered that he uses many of these tools quite liberally, primarily to feed himself if not to write insane theories like this one.

The theory (as indicated in the figure below) states that the more nonsense you want to speak, the higher you go up the hierarchy. The effort of every corporate employee should be to step up each level, without which the primary and lofty objective of speaking rubbish all the time wouldn’t be achieved (and in fruition for that effort, this theory should be mandatory in all HR initiation programmes). Refer the diagram below -

My Hierarchy:

The figure in itself should be self-explanatory. But since the author is already at the highest level, he can’t but help reiterate and explain the self-explanatory figure in a verbose manner for the next few paragraphs.

Level 1: These are the most basic tools that are used by anyone and everyone today. Tools, without which most of the corporations won’t survive, let alone flourish. These tools are comparable to Maslow’s 1^st level – basic physiological needs, without which a man can’t proceed to the next level in either of the hierarchies. Especially, Solitaire in the author’s hierarchy.

Level 2: This is the introductory and crash course to ‘ridiculous garbage’ at the corporate level. People who are at this level need to be careful to speak their mind (in other words, total crap) since they need to back it up with numbers (else, your situation would be similar to Tushaar kapoor’s in Terminator 4 – badly beaten up, beyond recognition!!). Numbers could be fudged, but they (the ‘evil’ auditors) can easily make out and throw you out of this cozy corporate world into the big bad world. However, this is a very good introductory course – comparable to Maslow’s Safety needs – whenever in trouble, fudge and fall back on this level – it is an awesome safety net and most people fear to tread at this level. (If ever you get bored of looking at those 65536 cells, search for ‘Excel games’ in Google )

Level 3: An advanced course, and a definite signal that you are on your way to be knighted very soon with ‘Legendary bullshitter’ title. Hardwork is a necessity though at this level. Understanding numbers and translating them into reams and reams of paragraphs, the sole objective being – to be seen by all but not to be read by any one. A few diagrams (from Level 1) and some tables (from Level 2) constitute the basis for Level 3 – and as they say in Mathematics, they are necessary but not sufficient. Your written skills would be tested here – how lengthy can you write, how confusing can you write, how verbose can you be and can you use all the GRE words learnt in this document. A challenging assignment neverthless. Again, definitely comparable to Maslow’s Social needs – sense of belonging and acceptance to the ‘League of Extraordinary Ridiculous People’!!

Level 4: The ultimate, The highest, The best and my verbal ability falls short of superlatives for this tool. ‘It all depends on the way you present data’ – in other words ‘You can fudge all you want, but get me a positive decision’ – if you are in this kind of world, then this is the tool for you. The more you want to speak nonsense, the more you want to explain self-explanatory diagrams in a verbose manner (like this one), the more you want to spend corporate time having fun by moving text from left to right or zigzag around – the more you belong to this level. As I said before and I reiterate (that is because I have nothing else to say), if you want to be considered as one of the ‘kids with potential to become a CEO’ – you exactly understand that this is the proficiency you need – oratory and powerpoint skills. The most abused tool of the lot (as a side note, I once had one of my colleagues present 16 graphs on a single slide!!), definitely comparable to Maslow’s Esteem and Self-actualisation levels put to-gether. Proficiency and expertise at this level would confer you with the title of ‘Legendary Bullshitter Mr./Ms.’ and you would be royally drafted into the ‘League of Extraordinary Ridiculous People’.

Whenever I am in grave doubt, I turn to ‘the one’ source. Whenever I need to make an important decision, I turn to ‘the one’ source. In this age where there is an acute shortage for real spiritual gurus, my only respite is this online spiritual guru of mine - the mind-bogglingly intelligent, outrageously hilarious..err..poignant rediff message boards.

In the near future, I shall dedicate a complete post to this Master of mine, but for now, peruse this priceless information to secure a H1 (working visa for the USA) -